"STOP JUMPING ON THE BED!" My Mother would scream up the stairs. "Ha ha. I'm not jumping on the bed Mom, I'm having a sex with it." I'd mutter while pumping away.
As a Boy I tried many ways recreating a mock lady zone, I tried toilet tissue tubes stuffed with kitchen roll but that gave me paper cuts, I tried lying on by belly with a stiffy and wiggling around on the floor with my arms by my side, no joy, I even tried two slices of fresh bread, not even close.
(Now you have to remember I was at an age where I had never seen, touched or had confirmation from my Mother that the Vagina actually existed so this was some major guess work happening.)
On a daily basis I would scan the house for potential fannies, then one day in my bedroom bored, Jesus spoke to me and said "Lift up the mattress and pop your willy in."
So I opened the Kay's catalogue to the bra section, popped on a clean sock, lifted up the heavy mattress and BOOOOM, BOOOOM, BOOOOM.
History as MJ would say.
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