I'd Touch A Tramps Balls For That!

So, June's been Wank. Rain, rain and more fucking rain. So in order to cheer myself up I went shopping and look what I came home with. 

What a BEEEAAUUUTTTTYYY! 

A Vintage Troop Leather Jacket.

Of course I've had to make sacrifices to get it but I'm sure I'll cope just fine with one Kidney!

If not my yellow piss stained jaundice skin will still look sweet in this 80's Treasure!

Doesn't Half Make Me Chuckle!

What do you call a Woman with two C*nts?........

Wooo ha ha ha ha ha!

The Mrs Has Gone to Work, Let's Get The Porn Out!

I've been a right lazy Bastard recently and haven't been cleaning my babies after rocking them, so today I decided to tackle the last few months wears.

Now for the Jordans...!

 I may even take these handsome fuckers to Olan Mills and see if they'll do a family portrait for me!



Nob Watch With Steven Segal!

There are three things in this glorious world that  Steven Segal loves to do more than anything;

1. Combing his long dark locks
2. Urinating in Animals faces
3. Taking pictures of juicy Nobs

So when I bumped into him in the queue at Poundland ( he was picking up new combs) I asked if he'd like to guest post.

"Do Bears fuck each others Dirty Faces in the Woods!" he said,

"I guess so, Steve!" I replied,

then he asked if he could show all the juicy Nobs he'd seen on his way into town today.

"Brillant." I said.

So here they are Steve's juicy knobs.

Enjoy!

The Fanny Smasher

    The Labial snake


The Arse Pounders

  Jeremy Kyle

Who Wants To Lick My Grapes?



Once again that dirty slag known as Shoe Fairy has opened up her legs and squeezed out another treasure for me to add to my collection. 2006 Jordan 5 grapes! BOOM....!

Feel free to have a cheeky Bean tickle, I know I would but I lost mine in a freak yachting accident!

I'm Not Fat. I'm Full Of Spunk!

In order to accurately express my emotions, I feel this moment calls for a little Poetry.

"Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, I want you in my room lets spend the night together from now until forever."

Beautiful!

Welcome to the Family boys.

The Fall Of Man Never Looked So Good!

Original Sin Promo from Ben Smith on Vimeo.

New and dead exciting label, Original Sin is Dark, twisted and as cool as a box of Fish Fingers you just got out the freezer! How cool is that you ask...? Ice cold!

http://thecultoforiginalsin.com/

T.L.A. J.3

Oh My God. Look what came in the post this morning. I've rubbed my Nipples raw today just gazing at these Beauties. Who knows what will happen when I try them on! I may lay some towels down first. Exciting!

I'm Hungry For Some Laser Lovin'!

I'll see you payday!

Not Even Vanish Would Get Those Stains Out!

"STOP JUMPING ON THE BED!" My Mother would scream up the stairs. "Ha ha. I'm not jumping on the bed Mom, I'm having a sex with it." I'd mutter while pumping away.

As a Boy I tried many ways recreating a mock lady zone, I tried toilet tissue tubes stuffed with kitchen roll but that gave me paper cuts, I tried lying on by belly with a stiffy and wiggling around on the floor with my arms by my side, no joy, I even tried two slices of fresh bread, not even close.

(Now you have to remember I was at an age where I had never seen, touched or had confirmation from my Mother that the Vagina actually existed so this was some major guess work happening.)

On a daily basis I would scan the house for potential fannies, then one day in my bedroom bored, Jesus spoke to me and said "Lift up the mattress and pop your willy in."

So I opened the Kay's catalogue to the bra section, popped on a clean sock, lifted up the heavy mattress and BOOOOM, BOOOOM, BOOOOM.

History as MJ would say.

To Hairy To Pimp!

I am officially a Junkie. So far this month I have scored a pair of Burn Rubber New Balance, a pair of OG air max 97's, a pair of OG Jordan 2's and the Cool grey Jordan 11's. So yesterday when these little drops of heaven fell to Earth I had to have them, I started getting that junkie scratch which looked like I was trying to knock an invisible Parrot off my shoulder, the problem was like any junkie I am as skint as arse holes.

I had to seriously get the old grey matter going, the question was "How was I going to get them?"

Would I be able to sell my Arse? No it's to hairy! Give hand jobs at £7.50 a pop. No, I'm out of protector and couldn't chance getting Man juice on my kicks! Did I know any slags I could pimp! No, bugger!

I was seriously up a dirty smelly Creek without a paddle.

Then I remembered I have another account for such Trainer emergencies. Woooo Hoooo! Panic over!

(This all happened in 6.7 seconds while sipping a nice warm brew.)

So the happy ending to this beautiful tale is that the Jordan 3's are in the post and I didn't have to perform any illicit acts.

My Mother would be proud.

When I Loose My V Plates!

When I was a young Pup in my School there were 3 things that everyone wanted when they grew up, these were Pubes, a Beard and a see through Toilet Seat with barb wire in it. Nice!
But I was different, I had bigger dreams. I always wanted Gout, a Smoking Jacket and a Elephant Foot Umbrella holder.
I would collect slugs 'n snails and sacrifice them daily to my god, hoping that one day I would be blessed with my wishes.
Luckily for me no one listened as I later found out that gout was a right Bastard to have, but the Elephant Foot dream still burns bright but unfortunately for me they are now dead stock and you can longer get or have one. Gutted! So in order to fulfil my childhood dreams I've decided to be a little more inventive and get me one of these instead!

Just imagine this beauty hollowed out and popped by the front door with your brolly in! Glorious!

The Voices Made Me Do It!

When I'm left alone I get really bored, really quickly. My mind then begins to wonder and I start hearing the Voices. They say things like" Go and dry shave your balls with a bic razor!" or " Bet you can't sniff that Coffee!"
So the other evening I was left alone again and the Voices came back. They said " Lick the rust off that nail!" I knew this was bad so I had to politely decline. Then the Voices said" Ok, if your gonna be a pussy, why don't you buy some Burn Rubber New Balance with the last of your monies instead, even tho there's still 18 days til payday!"
"Brrrilliant idea" I replied. So I did!



Aren't they beautiful and they will be here tomorrow!

The Dog Babies Are Coming!

As a man of the world I have discovered many harsh and scary truths, such as finding out that the Easter Bunny was sent down for 18 months for smothering himself in deep heat and giving dirty blowjobs to tramps and that Pigeons are actually really Posh but pretend to be lower class as it brings in more bread when begging.
These are natures dark secrets but nothing was to surprise me more than this next secret.

DOGS ARE DRESSING UP AS PEOPLE AND HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH THE POOR!

Liar, I hear you cry but think about it, how many seriously ugly Poor Peoples Babies have you seen recently? Loads!
These Babies are Dog Babies. Babies born from lies and disception.
There is no protection from these cunning canines just beware of anyone with two rows of 4 nipples.

Poor people protect yourselves they're out there looking for you!

Robot Hamsta Is Now On Twitter!

http://twitter.com/Rhamsta

Sunday Service!

I've never thought of myself as a classy fella. I dribble when I sleep and have a nasty habit of picking my ears and sniffing what ever comes out, but even I draw the line at this.
On Sunday as I was off to ASDA(or ASDERS as the Welsh like to call it) to purchase obscene amounts of food to soak up all the hard liquor I'd consumed the night before when I stumbled across two ugly little fuckers having a good old snog. Obviously I turned my nose up as I have no time for natures cruel mistakes, let alone when they're sharing diseases.
As I got closer and the picture got a little clearer I started to wonder why I couldn't see his left arm! Was this a genetic mutation, intrigued I looked closer. It then dawned on me, the reason I couldn't see his left arm was because it was shoved up the Fat Girl in a shiny track suits Fanny. Shocked, I pulled my Supreme Beanie down over my ears and walked past, desperately trying not to be put off lunch by the sound of squelching.

Dirty Bastards!

I wonder if the fat classless slag has a list on her wall which looks like this;

5 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I FAIL MY GCSE'S
- GET A WINNIE THE POOH TATTOO

- GIVE A DOG AN ERECTION

- GET FINGERED IN ASDA CARPARK WHILE SAT ON A BALLARD AT 2.35PM ON A SUNDAY.

-SHOUT RACIST REMARKS AT ANYONE WHO EATS SPICEY FOOD

- SEE N DUBZ.

Pay Me In Tea Bags!

On a recent day trip to Newport, Robot Hamsta decided to catch up with well known writer and local slag Shannon to ask some searching questions.

RH-"So Shannon, You have been described as a master of Words! Where does the inspiration come from?"

S-" I fockin' washed my hair this morning and it's still damp. Mad!"

RH- "That is mad!... How do you find time to juggle writing and Family life?"

S- "Since Baby Armani broke the T.V remote we can't focking turn it on so I hav' t' leave the microwave on and they all watch that well I'm out. Then I serves them Fidus crispy pancakes when I get in, thats if I haven't pulled! (grins)"

RH- "Nice....I see being a Parent brings joy and inspiration to your life and work."

S- "2words........Child Support Benefits!"

RH- " After viewing one of your most famous pieces in the beautiful Newport Bus Station (pictured above),

I just want to ask one more question.

What do you tack?"

S-" Cock."

RH- "Shannon, Thanks."

One lucky reader could win a signed Photo of Shannon (below) by answering this simple question.

Shannon recently lost half her top lip. How did she lose it?

Was it;

A- Pulling a wheelie on her mountain bike.

B- Breast feeding

C- Chewed it off while on an afternoon Methadrone binge in whetherspoons.

Bill "Mutha Fuckin" Murray!

Mark Up Your Ronson!

Do you lie awake in bed sweating and shaking, trying to tease half a spit lubed finger up your arse, dreaming not of Girls Boobies or Boys Bums, but of the day someone would dedicate a project to creativity & culture through print, television & a series of exhibition events & performances. (Mark Ronson does!)

While sweat no more The Creators Project is here!

The Creators Events series kicks off this month in New York with a mix of installations, screenings & performances by creators worldwide. The series plans to hit London, Sao Paulo, Seoul; Beijing over the next few months so keep an eye out on http://www.thecreatorsproject.com/en-uk/ http://www.facebook.com/thecreatorsproject?ref=ts for more information.

Check out Mark Ronson chatting with The Creators Project below about his beginnings, collaborations, latest album & love of hip hop.

http://www.thecreatorsproject.com/en-uk/creators/mark-ronson

Dick-Ridin' Obama!

New Boondocks. Enjoy!