I'd Touch A Tramps Balls For That!

So, June's been Wank. Rain, rain and more fucking rain. So in order to cheer myself up I went shopping and look what I came home with. 

What a BEEEAAUUUTTTTYYY! 

A Vintage Troop Leather Jacket.

Of course I've had to make sacrifices to get it but I'm sure I'll cope just fine with one Kidney!

If not my yellow piss stained jaundice skin will still look sweet in this 80's Treasure!

Doesn't Half Make Me Chuckle!

What do you call a Woman with two C*nts?........

Wooo ha ha ha ha ha!

The Mrs Has Gone to Work, Let's Get The Porn Out!

I've been a right lazy Bastard recently and haven't been cleaning my babies after rocking them, so today I decided to tackle the last few months wears.

Now for the Jordans...!

 I may even take these handsome fuckers to Olan Mills and see if they'll do a family portrait for me!



Nob Watch With Steven Segal!

There are three things in this glorious world that  Steven Segal loves to do more than anything;

1. Combing his long dark locks
2. Urinating in Animals faces
3. Taking pictures of juicy Nobs

So when I bumped into him in the queue at Poundland ( he was picking up new combs) I asked if he'd like to guest post.

"Do Bears fuck each others Dirty Faces in the Woods!" he said,

"I guess so, Steve!" I replied,

then he asked if he could show all the juicy Nobs he'd seen on his way into town today.

"Brillant." I said.

So here they are Steve's juicy knobs.

Enjoy!

The Fanny Smasher

    The Labial snake


The Arse Pounders

  Jeremy Kyle

Who Wants To Lick My Grapes?



Once again that dirty slag known as Shoe Fairy has opened up her legs and squeezed out another treasure for me to add to my collection. 2006 Jordan 5 grapes! BOOM....!

Feel free to have a cheeky Bean tickle, I know I would but I lost mine in a freak yachting accident!

I'm Not Fat. I'm Full Of Spunk!

In order to accurately express my emotions, I feel this moment calls for a little Poetry.

"Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, I want you in my room lets spend the night together from now until forever."

Beautiful!

Welcome to the Family boys.

The Fall Of Man Never Looked So Good!

Original Sin Promo from Ben Smith on Vimeo.

New and dead exciting label, Original Sin is Dark, twisted and as cool as a box of Fish Fingers you just got out the freezer! How cool is that you ask...? Ice cold!

http://thecultoforiginalsin.com/

T.L.A. J.3

Oh My God. Look what came in the post this morning. I've rubbed my Nipples raw today just gazing at these Beauties. Who knows what will happen when I try them on! I may lay some towels down first. Exciting!

I'm Hungry For Some Laser Lovin'!

I'll see you payday!

Not Even Vanish Would Get Those Stains Out!

"STOP JUMPING ON THE BED!" My Mother would scream up the stairs. "Ha ha. I'm not jumping on the bed Mom, I'm having a sex with it." I'd mutter while pumping away.

As a Boy I tried many ways recreating a mock lady zone, I tried toilet tissue tubes stuffed with kitchen roll but that gave me paper cuts, I tried lying on by belly with a stiffy and wiggling around on the floor with my arms by my side, no joy, I even tried two slices of fresh bread, not even close.

(Now you have to remember I was at an age where I had never seen, touched or had confirmation from my Mother that the Vagina actually existed so this was some major guess work happening.)

On a daily basis I would scan the house for potential fannies, then one day in my bedroom bored, Jesus spoke to me and said "Lift up the mattress and pop your willy in."

So I opened the Kay's catalogue to the bra section, popped on a clean sock, lifted up the heavy mattress and BOOOOM, BOOOOM, BOOOOM.

History as MJ would say.

To Hairy To Pimp!

I am officially a Junkie. So far this month I have scored a pair of Burn Rubber New Balance, a pair of OG air max 97's, a pair of OG Jordan 2's and the Cool grey Jordan 11's. So yesterday when these little drops of heaven fell to Earth I had to have them, I started getting that junkie scratch which looked like I was trying to knock an invisible Parrot off my shoulder, the problem was like any junkie I am as skint as arse holes.

I had to seriously get the old grey matter going, the question was "How was I going to get them?"

Would I be able to sell my Arse? No it's to hairy! Give hand jobs at £7.50 a pop. No, I'm out of protector and couldn't chance getting Man juice on my kicks! Did I know any slags I could pimp! No, bugger!

I was seriously up a dirty smelly Creek without a paddle.

Then I remembered I have another account for such Trainer emergencies. Woooo Hoooo! Panic over!

(This all happened in 6.7 seconds while sipping a nice warm brew.)

So the happy ending to this beautiful tale is that the Jordan 3's are in the post and I didn't have to perform any illicit acts.

My Mother would be proud.

When I Loose My V Plates!

When I was a young Pup in my School there were 3 things that everyone wanted when they grew up, these were Pubes, a Beard and a see through Toilet Seat with barb wire in it. Nice!
But I was different, I had bigger dreams. I always wanted Gout, a Smoking Jacket and a Elephant Foot Umbrella holder.
I would collect slugs 'n snails and sacrifice them daily to my god, hoping that one day I would be blessed with my wishes.
Luckily for me no one listened as I later found out that gout was a right Bastard to have, but the Elephant Foot dream still burns bright but unfortunately for me they are now dead stock and you can longer get or have one. Gutted! So in order to fulfil my childhood dreams I've decided to be a little more inventive and get me one of these instead!

Just imagine this beauty hollowed out and popped by the front door with your brolly in! Glorious!

The Voices Made Me Do It!

When I'm left alone I get really bored, really quickly. My mind then begins to wonder and I start hearing the Voices. They say things like" Go and dry shave your balls with a bic razor!" or " Bet you can't sniff that Coffee!"
So the other evening I was left alone again and the Voices came back. They said " Lick the rust off that nail!" I knew this was bad so I had to politely decline. Then the Voices said" Ok, if your gonna be a pussy, why don't you buy some Burn Rubber New Balance with the last of your monies instead, even tho there's still 18 days til payday!"
"Brrrilliant idea" I replied. So I did!



Aren't they beautiful and they will be here tomorrow!

The Dog Babies Are Coming!

As a man of the world I have discovered many harsh and scary truths, such as finding out that the Easter Bunny was sent down for 18 months for smothering himself in deep heat and giving dirty blowjobs to tramps and that Pigeons are actually really Posh but pretend to be lower class as it brings in more bread when begging.
These are natures dark secrets but nothing was to surprise me more than this next secret.

DOGS ARE DRESSING UP AS PEOPLE AND HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH THE POOR!

Liar, I hear you cry but think about it, how many seriously ugly Poor Peoples Babies have you seen recently? Loads!
These Babies are Dog Babies. Babies born from lies and disception.
There is no protection from these cunning canines just beware of anyone with two rows of 4 nipples.

Poor people protect yourselves they're out there looking for you!

Robot Hamsta Is Now On Twitter!

http://twitter.com/Rhamsta

Sunday Service!

I've never thought of myself as a classy fella. I dribble when I sleep and have a nasty habit of picking my ears and sniffing what ever comes out, but even I draw the line at this.
On Sunday as I was off to ASDA(or ASDERS as the Welsh like to call it) to purchase obscene amounts of food to soak up all the hard liquor I'd consumed the night before when I stumbled across two ugly little fuckers having a good old snog. Obviously I turned my nose up as I have no time for natures cruel mistakes, let alone when they're sharing diseases.
As I got closer and the picture got a little clearer I started to wonder why I couldn't see his left arm! Was this a genetic mutation, intrigued I looked closer. It then dawned on me, the reason I couldn't see his left arm was because it was shoved up the Fat Girl in a shiny track suits Fanny. Shocked, I pulled my Supreme Beanie down over my ears and walked past, desperately trying not to be put off lunch by the sound of squelching.

Dirty Bastards!

I wonder if the fat classless slag has a list on her wall which looks like this;

5 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I FAIL MY GCSE'S
- GET A WINNIE THE POOH TATTOO

- GIVE A DOG AN ERECTION

- GET FINGERED IN ASDA CARPARK WHILE SAT ON A BALLARD AT 2.35PM ON A SUNDAY.

-SHOUT RACIST REMARKS AT ANYONE WHO EATS SPICEY FOOD

- SEE N DUBZ.

Pay Me In Tea Bags!

On a recent day trip to Newport, Robot Hamsta decided to catch up with well known writer and local slag Shannon to ask some searching questions.

RH-"So Shannon, You have been described as a master of Words! Where does the inspiration come from?"

S-" I fockin' washed my hair this morning and it's still damp. Mad!"

RH- "That is mad!... How do you find time to juggle writing and Family life?"

S- "Since Baby Armani broke the T.V remote we can't focking turn it on so I hav' t' leave the microwave on and they all watch that well I'm out. Then I serves them Fidus crispy pancakes when I get in, thats if I haven't pulled! (grins)"

RH- "Nice....I see being a Parent brings joy and inspiration to your life and work."

S- "2words........Child Support Benefits!"

RH- " After viewing one of your most famous pieces in the beautiful Newport Bus Station (pictured above),

I just want to ask one more question.

What do you tack?"

S-" Cock."

RH- "Shannon, Thanks."

One lucky reader could win a signed Photo of Shannon (below) by answering this simple question.

Shannon recently lost half her top lip. How did she lose it?

Was it;

A- Pulling a wheelie on her mountain bike.

B- Breast feeding

C- Chewed it off while on an afternoon Methadrone binge in whetherspoons.

Bill "Mutha Fuckin" Murray!

Mark Up Your Ronson!

Do you lie awake in bed sweating and shaking, trying to tease half a spit lubed finger up your arse, dreaming not of Girls Boobies or Boys Bums, but of the day someone would dedicate a project to creativity & culture through print, television & a series of exhibition events & performances. (Mark Ronson does!)

While sweat no more The Creators Project is here!

The Creators Events series kicks off this month in New York with a mix of installations, screenings & performances by creators worldwide. The series plans to hit London, Sao Paulo, Seoul; Beijing over the next few months so keep an eye out on http://www.thecreatorsproject.com/en-uk/ http://www.facebook.com/thecreatorsproject?ref=ts for more information.

Check out Mark Ronson chatting with The Creators Project below about his beginnings, collaborations, latest album & love of hip hop.

http://www.thecreatorsproject.com/en-uk/creators/mark-ronson

Dick-Ridin' Obama!

New Boondocks. Enjoy!

Neuter Them At Birth!

Only those dopey slags that go on Jeremy Kyle look at this pic and go, "I'd love to have that fat red sweaty belly resting on me while we struggle to get his little pink dog dick into my hungry over used Vag!"
Then, 63 days later (pikeys have the gestation period of dogs) an ugly, monobrowed, creature crawls out of the womb to begin the vicious circle of life.

Sneeze!

Sneeze mag x supreme, thanks for the memories issue.

Two Thumbs Fresh!

For those of us who missed out on the monster that was the Tiffany Dunk there is hope, 2011 will see the next installment of Nike x Diamond Supplys love child. But can lightening strike twice or will it be a bastard child that nobody wants.

Pixels. A Short Film For The Retro Gamer.

PIXELS by Patrick Jean from ONE MORE PRODUCTION on Vimeo.

Thyroid, Shmyroid!

I've seen the future and it's not the Technologically advanced civilisation that Star Trek promised.
We travel on buses with greasy hair, our fat, shit smelling arses take up two seats as we sweat into our grey Primark tee. We feed from large blue plastic bags full with packets of cheap crisps and our past time is licking the crumbs from our chubby fingers while we look at gold rings in the Argos catalogue.

Oh, hang on, that's not the future! That was my bus ride into Cardiff.

Sorry, my bad!

Futura: The Godfather Of Graffiti.

I Just Want To Rent Your Womb!

Let me set the mood for you!

It's a dark, cold night in November. The wind is howling through the large rusted metal gates. The public toilet you are waiting in has Man poo spread all over the white tiled walls. There are 12 missed calls on your mobile from the old ball and chain. Standing there alone you check to see if the condom you taped to your winky before you left the house is still in place (You're Ray Mears ready). You hear voices approaching. The excitment starts to build. A large stranger appears from out the shadows wearing rubber gloves and a Bart Simpson mask. "It's bum time!" he says.

This is how I thought sex addicts behaved. Skulking around in dark places doing evil. It turns out that I was wrong, recent articles show that they live amongst us in everyday life. They could be our Friends, our Neighbours, the person serving cold meats in ASDA, they could even be our Childrens Teachers.

Sneaky Bastards!

So how do we spot the sex addict. Here are some common traits. Read carefully, it may just save your life!

1)Eyes which are too close together
2)Monobrows
3)Tie dyed T-Shirts
4)Clarks Shoes
5)Excessive Ear hair
6) Seamen Stains on sleeves
7)Alanis Morissette
8)Small Hands
9)Rabbits

There is hope though if your are a sex addict, groups are popping up to deal with your problem. The Sex Addicts Anonymous(SAA) deals with sex and love addiction. Thank God.

Lets hear how they can help.

"An SAA group consists of two or more individuals who, using the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of SAA, meet regularly for the purpose of recovering from their addictive sexual behavior( throbbing willies and hungry fannys). At our meetings, we read SAA literature(Porn) and share our experience(Anal Rape), strength and hope with each other, focusing on how the SAA program of recovery works in our lives."

— Sex Addicts Anonymous

I just can't wait to be so old that my shriveled up love tool of deceit no longer works. Only then can I be truly safe from sex and love addiction.

Get help before it's to late!

What!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I missed Doom in London.

I've been a good boy this year aswell. Then again, I have been shouting at Midgets. Bugger.

I'm off to sit on my bathroom floor and cry.

Why god,why!

P.s I love you Doom.

Pac Div X Cool Kids

G-Whizz!

Boys. This summer don't waste your squids buying the missus a 12 inch phat black beast that every time you look at it just reminds your little pink dick couldn't fill Barbies mouth.
Sod the wife and her hungry growler, take your cash and get one of these amazing S/S10 G-Shocks.

They are so pretty. Much better than looking at a massive veiny rubber limb that the missus trys to shove up your arse during sexy time.

Stop it I don't like it!

3 Inches High And Rising!

Spank my arse and call me Charlie! It's been 20 years since 3 feet high and rising was released. Back then I was still having baths in my underpants. Shocking.

Kid Robot X De La Soul = Booooyaaaa!

Guess where I'm spending my giro on the 18th March.

Poke Your Mom!

The phone rings "Bbbrrring, bbbrrring." You answer,"Heello?" The voice on the other end goes "Hey, this is Vice mag you wanna draw Pokemon's for money?" You answer, "Yes fucking please!"

Now I've done alot of things for money, such as dance in my underpants to R. Kelly's, Bump 'n' Grind while a tramp and his dog (which was dressed like a reindeer) watched. I can tell you doing this leaves the type of dirt you can't wash off! But to get back to the point.

Vice has teamed up with Nintendo and commissioned 7 lucky bastards (artists) from around the globe to create Pokemon inspired visuals that celebrates the release of the latest Pokemon game. Exciting! So if this gets your testis tingling there will be an exhibition to showcase the work from, 24th - 31st March at Blackall Studios, Shoreditch.

Unfortunatley I never got the phone call so I decided to do my own Pokemon inspired piece. Hope you like!

Go to www.viceland.com/repokemon to see the rest of the work and you can also enter to win the game and a DS.

Juicy!

10 Deep Spring Preview.

Spring 2010 - Lookbook Preview Vid from 10 Deep on Vimeo.

Monkey Business!

Now these are pretty fucking cool. BAPE have teamed up with Tokyo based jewellery brand AMBUSH to create a pretty exciting capsule collection, ranging from Hoodies, Tees to Shoes. Being honest the clothes are a little same shit different colour but the jewellery is a winner.

Big Pimping Baby!

Pick them up at Bape this Spring, but be quick as they will fly.

R.I.P Mr Smalls. May 21, 1972 – March 9, 1997

What a Leg-end! 13yrs have past and still Biggie holds the crown!

Skwak's Divine Comedy.

Who Wants To Buy A Kidney?

Parra X Nike are the the trainer collab equivalent to Beans on Toast. Bloody lovely!
Release date is set on the 13th march and they're limited to the Patta Store, so miracles will be needed if I'm to be rocking these this summer. Bugger!

Come Over To The Dark Side!

So you wake up and start your day by putting on your Topshite jeans and Blue Banana tee then you straighten your hair, lace up your fake Converse and then you go and sit around outside McDonalds in massive groups and some how you still think your Individual. Wrong! Look around, you are nothing more than a copy and pasted version the person next to you! Wake up...... It's BORING!

At Robot Hamsta we try to discover exciting new labels that are passionate about their product and the people who wear it. So try this on for size!

If you take a Comic book Villain, then mix it with japanese streetwear, splash in some of your favourite music and use a strict colour palette of black and white, you have a very exciting T-shirt label by the name of Villainous Visards, a collective of creatives that aim to put a little bit of individuality back on our streets. Definately one to watch for 2010.

Viva La Visards!